Words To Fly By

Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to pee.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

Never trade luck for skill.

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and " Oh Shit!"

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.

I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II. When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing. (sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena, Japan).

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot)

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been there)

"Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320).

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

Basic Flying Rules

1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.

2. Do not go near the edges of it.

3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.


Sent in by Bob Oberst

WHEN I WAS at Fort Dix, N.J., for Army basic training, my father, an Air Force master sergeant, was stationed at Dover Air Force Base in Delaware. I got a weekend pass, and Dad picked me up Friday evening so we could drive home to Massachusetts. On the way, we stopped at a diner. I was wearing my dress greens, and Dad was in dress blues. The waitress looked puzzled as she took our order. "Is something wrong, ma'am?" I asked. "It's unusual to see men in different services traveling together," she explained. "That's nothing," Dad replied. "He's taking me home to sleep with his mother!"

Expensive Monkey

Sent in by Kent Sawyer

A tourist walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a Chief Master Sergeant from the local Air Force Base walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take an M1A monkey, please." The man nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the Chief, saying, "That'll be $1,000." The Chief paid and left with the monkey. Surprised, the tourist went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that M1A monkey can rig aircraft flight controls, score 300 on the Air Force Physical Fitness Test, and perform flight simulator operations with no mistakes. It's well worth the money." The tourist spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive--$10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey; it can instruct all levels of maintenance troops on military aircraft and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper. The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, "$50,000". The shocked tourist exclaimed, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What could possibly make it worth that much?" "Well, I've never actually seen it do anything, but his papers say he's a "Pilot."

That's the Army

Sent in by Jerry Wheeler

 Kentucky hillbilly Herman James was drafted by the Army and on the first day as an enlisted man he was given a comb.
 The following day the Army barber sheared all of his hair off.
 On the third day the Army gave him a toothbrush.
 The next day the Army dentist yanked several of his teeth out.
 On the fifth day he was given a jock strap...that afternoon Herman disappeared and the Army is still looking for him!

Then & Now

1945 _ NCO's had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports.
1999 _ Everyone has an internet access computer, and they wonder why no work is getting done.
1945 _ you were taught to aim at your enemy and shoot him.
1999 _ you spray 500 bullets into the brush, don't hit anything, and retreat because you're out of ammo.
1945 _ canteens were made of steel, and you could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them.
1999 _ canteens are made of plastic, you can't heat anything in them, and they always taste like plastic.
1945 _ we defeated powerful countries like Germany and Japan.
1999 _ we come up short against Iraq and Yugoslavia.
1945 _ if you wanted beer and conversation you went to the NCO or Officers' Club.
1999 _ the beer will cost you $2.75, membership is forced, and someone is watching how much you drink.
1945 _ we called the enemy names like "Krauts" and "Japs" because we didn't like them.
1999 _ we call the enemy the "opposing force" or "aggressor" because we don't want to offend them.
1945 _ victory was declared when the enemy was defeated and all his things were broken.
1999 _ victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry.

Marines Vs USAF

 A platoon of Marines is marching down a dirt road. They just came to a curve around a hill, when an Airman at the top of the hill pops his head up and yells "MARINES SUCK!"
 "Platoon!" "Halt!" "Jones!" "Carter!" "Go take care of that Flyboy!" said the Marine Sergeant. Jones and Carter run up over the top of the hill. Bam! Biff! Sock! Oh Damn! Then Jones and Carter were tossed down the hill.  The Airman at the top of the hill pops his head up again and yells "MARINES SUCK!"
 "First File!" "Go take care of that Flyboy!" said the Marine Sergeant. Now we have ten Marines running up over the top of the hill. Bam! Biff! Sock! Oh Oh! One by one they were tossed back down the hill. The Airman at the top of the hill pops his head up again and yells "MARINES SUCK!"
 "Platoon!" "Go take care of that Flyboy!" said the Marine Sergeant. Forty-five Marines go running up over the top of the hill. Bam! Biff! Sock! Oh No! One by one they were tossed back down the hill. Now the side Of the hill is covered with Marines that are not totally active.  The Airman at the top of the hill pops his head up again and yells "MARINES SUCK!"
 "It's looks as I'm going to have to take care of that Flyboy myself" said the Marine Sergeant to himself. He starts walking up the hill and about this time Jones was coming to. Jones said to the Marine Sergeant in a weak voice "Sarge, don't go up there, it's an ambush, there's TWO of them."

Crime And Punishment

 A C-141 Starlifter had been delayed for take-off for well over an hour at Thule Air Force Base, Greenland, because it's sewage container had not been pumped out.

 An Airman Basic meandered up to the aircraft with the containment pump, fiddles around for a while, then gets ready to leave.

 The young Captain, who was the aircraft commander confronted the Airman, and stated, "You have caused me to be 2-hours late for my take-off. I'll see that you are not only reprimanded, but punished as well!"

 The young Airman smiled and said, "Sir, with all due respect, I have no stripes, I'm stationed at Thule, Greenland, it's 20 degrees below zero, and I'm pumping shit from aircraft. Just what kind of punishment did you have in mind?


  During World War II, a mechanic was making a routine test flight with a bomber that accidently drifted off course and over enemy territory. The plane was shot down and the mechanic taken prisoner.
  Not knowing his area of expertise, the prison camp leader placed him in charge of the chickens. Every day he would collect scraps of metal and wood and, eventually, he constructed a certified engine and a pair of wings.
  One morning when the officers called roll they found he had attached the wings and engine to the chicken shed and flown the coop.

GI Insurance

 Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI life insurance.
 It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
 "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6,000."
 Now, which group do you think they will send into battle first??????

Superior Aircraft

A couple of F-15's are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their pilots are chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk comes around to the relative merits of their respective aircraft.

Of course the fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because of their superior speed, manuverability, weaponry, and so forth, while the putting down the Hercules deficiencies in these areas.

After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, "Oh yeah? Well, I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about." Naturally, the fighter jocks challenge him to demonstrate.

"Just watch," comes the quick retort.

And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130 continuing to fly straight and level..

After several minutes the Herc pilot comes back on the air, saying "There! How was that?"

Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots reply, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"

And the Herc pilot replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went into the back and took a leak."

Imaginary Fire

Budget cuts to the Defence force forced the training team to start doing mock combat using no explosives, guns, or basically any equipment what-so-ever, so when it came to a training scenario, the Sergeant in charge tells his recruits that they are under imaginary fire, and what do they do?

So all of the recruits except one scatter and get down behind "stuff", and get into returning fire positions.

The Sergeant notices this one recruit standing out in the open, quite relaxed and unfazed.

Yelling, the Sergeant asks "What the devil do you think you're doing? You're under fire!"

So the recruit takes one step to the left and remains still.

Now the Sergeant's really annoyed.

He yells again, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? You're under imaginary fire, take cover!"

The recruit turns to him and replies, "I'm taking cover behind this imaginary tree Sergeant!"

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